Friday, May 20, 2011

The BEST (or worst) LDS movie of all time.......

               Growing up, a Sunday tradition in my home was to watch a “church movie” together as a family.  Initially, the goal was to feel the spirit and be edified. 
                Unfortunately, as many of you know, LDS movies are pitiful.  I am not talking about “The Singles Ward” or “The RM” or one of the other movies that was made for the big screen.  I am talking about “Our Heavenly Father’s Plan”, “Man’s Search For Happiness”, “Uncle Ben”, and countless others. 
                This annoyed my parents at first.  We would pick the most pitiful movies to watch just so that we could laugh and mock them.  Eventually, they realized that we were having some wholesome fun together as a family and since that is one of the points of the Sabbath, they allowed us to continue the practice. 
                Until recently, the movies that the church itself was producing were awful.  They were so cheesy that they were comical.  Obviously, they were made to take the message of the LDS church to the world.  For the life of me, I cannot imagine ANYONE taking these movies seriously. 
                My all-time “favorite” has to be “The Pump”.  If you have seen “The Pump” you know what I am talking about.  If you have not, please watch it on YouTube here as you read my commentary.  (It’s only nine minutes long, it will be worth your time).  

                After about a minute of opening filler, we see a car driving down a road.  We get to meet the main character, who is enjoying some old-time music.  He appears to be out in the middle of nowhere, just enjoying the open road. 
                He pulls to a stop at a potential turnoff and examines his map.  He notices on his map a warning telling him not to turn off the main road without making local inquiry first.  Who is he going to ask?  A lizard?  There are no towns around here!  Assuming he finds someone, what will he ask them? 

                It appears on his map that this road will allow him to get to his destination safely and quickly.  But that JERK! He fails to make local inquiry first!  How does he know that the road is safe?  He might find bandits! Or coyotes! Or worse, the band that is playing the music he is listening to! 
                The next 30 seconds or so show a bunch of scenes that indicate that indeed, he is in the middle of nowhere.  I am glad that they established that, because I had no idea that he was out in the desert until they showed me the cactus or the sand dunes.
                The silence breaks to a sound that will surprise no one.  Since this moron failed to inquire of the locals about the desert road, his car broke down.  If only someone had told him that his car would break down.......Try as he might, he can’t get it started again.  *Movie Error: The actor is obviously smiling and trying hard not to laugh.  He turns around to compose himself and then returns with a more situation appropriate look on his face.*
                He then bobs his head furiously.  The car, for some odd reason, does not respond.  Doesn’t he know that bobbing your head doesn’t work?  You have to shake your head from side to side……duh. 
                Ok, so the car won’t turn on and he remembers the warning that he failed to heed.  The weight of the situation begins to bear down on him.  Fortunately, our hero stays strong and does not let this get him down.  He heads off to find help.  Again, I have no idea who he expects to find.  But you gotta do what you gotta do. 
                After an agonizing minute (of film), he stumbles upon a ghost town.  Of course, there is always a ghost town conveniently located just where you need it.
                I love the cryptic music that plays as he walks through.  Like, all of a sudden some evil doer is going to jump out and mug him and say “You idiot! Your map told you to make local inquiry first and you failed to do so! Because you didn’t, no one warned you about me, and I am going to steal all of your stuff!”
                Sadly though, there is only a lizard in this town. 
                Finally, like an oasis to a weary desert traveler (oh wait, that’s what this is) he finds a water pump.  He begins pumping furiously, but to no avail.  Right on cue, the music turns dramatic and frantic.  If you are not sitting right on the edge of your seat at this point, you obviously don’t appreciate great theater. 
                Dejected, he rests on a fence post.  Obviously, in this town’s glory days, weary cowboys would tie up their “hosses” when they needed to stop and have a brew at the local saloon. 
                Just as he is about to abandon hope and slowly die of dehydration, he hears the sound of a metal cup rocking back and forth in the wind.  He notices that there is a paper in it.  He immediately runs over and grabs it anxiously.  But hold on!  Rewind your player.  You will notice that in an earlier shot, as he approaches the pump, this same cup is clearly seen with no paper in it.  Someone came and inserted the paper and then left.  If this guy had even HALF of a brain, he would have gone with whoever came and put that paper in that cup. 
                Some cowboy begins narrating the note.  All hope is not lost!  There is a bottle of water under a rock and he can prime the pump!  This must be some special glass they were using.  A rock that size has been laying on that bottle for who knows how long and the bottle is perfectly intact.  But hey, very little about this movie has made sense so far.......

                He pops the bottle open and is about to quench his thirst when the cowboy’s warning returns to him.  “Don’t go drinking any first!”
                Our hero is obviously not good at heeding warnings.  He continues to wrestle with his decision in his mind as the cowboy’s voice becomes slower and more creepy.  Should he prime the pump or quench his thirst now?  AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! The stress is just killing me!  What do I do? What do I do? 
                And then, the music reaches a climax.  And there is our hero, dead as a doornail out in the desert.  The camera pans back to show us that our weak-minded hero did indeed drink from the bottle and did not prime the pump.  He satisfied his need of the moment without looking for the long term benefit of having a pump.  He sold his birthright for a mess of pottage!  Darn you, you modern day Esau!  Not only did he fail to heed the note that was left for him, he also failed to fill up the bottle and put it back under the rock.  The next person who stumbles upon this ghost town will meet the same fate as himself. 
                As the movie ends, the music changes to an upbeat, and dare I say, happy tone.  Yay!  This idiot died!  Hurray! 
                And we got one last shot of the pump with some “ta-da!” music to really drive home the moral of the story. 
                If you go to your local LDS meetinghouse and find a copy of this video in the library (you would be surprised, I have never found a library without one), you will find that the description on the cover says that in this movie “numerous gospel analogies can be made.”  Really?  I can’t think of a less effective way to teach the Gospel. 
                So there you have it.  Don’t you feel inspired? Don’t you feel like a better person?  I sure don’t………..