A couple weeks back, I posted a link to facebook from Jim Rome. The subject was “Softball Guy”. If you haven’t heard it, it’s funny.
Today, I want to take a similar approach. I want to explain what a “Yewt” and a “Zoob” is, for those who aren’t in the know.
First, a “yewt”. Like Softball guy, there is a big difference between being a Ute and being a Yewt. Make the distinction. A Ute is a fan who cheers for his team through thick and thin. He only cares about the opponent that’s next on the schedule. He follows the other teams, but doesn’t care one way or the other.
There are basically two kinds of “yewts”. The first is the “disgruntled Utah resident”. This is the guy who is stuck in Utah because of work. He didn’t know anything about Utah until he moved here and now he hates it. Particularly, he hates the Mormon church and the influence it has on local culture. So even though he went to some school in California, or back east, or wherever, he starts buying Utah things and going to games just so he can yell obscenities at BYU and their fans. This is the guy who pulls out “polygamy humor” because he thinks it’s still fresh and funny. This guy goes out of his way to disparage the LDS church, not realizing that a good chunk of Utah fans are LDS themselves. This guy shows up to every Utah-BYU game, regardless of the sport, and uses it as a chance to vent his frustration in life.
The second kind of Yewt is the guy who takes things too seriously, thus ill call him “too serious guy” or TSG. This is the guy who positions himself right by the band so that he can let loose with his clever humor at the other team. He then texts all of his buddies to tell them what he said, and then he makes up a reaction that never really happened. For instance, such a text would look like this……
“Dude! Im at RES. Wyoming just came onto the field and I wuz like “Yo! Where’s Laramie?” lol! Some moron flipped me off and seven other guys threatened to beat me up! LOL!”
If you have been to Rice-Eccles, you know that its common for someone to bring a beach ball and hit it around the stadium. TSG will watch it closely and when it gets close, he will knock over little kids, old people, whoever just to get it and hit back. When the crowd starts doing the wave, TSG will yell across the stadium at the people who aren’t doing it “the right way”. TSG is looking to throw down with anyone who wears the opponents colors. It doesn’t matter who. If he walks into the bathroom at halftime of a game against Weber St., and he happens to see an 85-year old man washing his hands wearing a Weber shirt, he will walk up to the guy and say “Hey Gramps, why don’t you hit the road before I hit you.” And then he will stare the guy down as he leaves.
If as you read this, you are saying to yourself “Ben is a closet Zoob, he is definitely a UINO,(Ute-in-name-only)”, then you are a Yewt. If you like Utah for no other reason than to hate BYU, you are a Yewt. If you have ever yelled at someone for doing the “I wish I had some chocolate milk” cheer incorrectly, you are a Yewt. If you got up at 3 in the morning to go to “College Gameday” last year just so that your “BYU SUCKS!” sign could be seen around the country, you are a Yewt.
Now, onto the other definition. There is likewise a big difference between “BYU fan” and “zoob”. BYU fan knows his stuff and just wants to cheer for his team. “Zoob” on the other hand is a different animal all together.
“Zoobs” can be lumped together in one group. “Zoob” is the person who changes scriptures to be about BYU athletics. For instance…..
“It is written, man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of Dick Harmon.”
This is the guy who when asked to give the opening prayer in a church meeting, prays for BYU and prays for those who have yet to come to a knowledge of the true team. This is the person who thinks that being the head coach of the football team at BYU is a church calling, on par with being a member of one of the quorums of seventy. As such, anything that Bronco says should be treated as though it were a general conference talk.
This guy brings a portable radio with him to the game because even though he is there in person, no one quite brings the game to life like Greg Wrubell.
This is the BYU co-ed who goes to the games for the social scene and then pretends to know what is going on. “On my gosh! Did you see Jimmer throw that touchdown pass! I can’t believe it! We are only in the third inning! Go Cougars! Vanquish the foe! Then go forth to serve! Gooooooo team! A ha ha ha ha! I wonder if my home teacher is here!”
If as you read this, you thought about notifying my bishop because I am clearly on the highway to apostasy, you are a zoob. If you have ever referred to BYU as “The Lord’s Team” in any way that was not sarcasm, you are a zoob. If you are thinking “I don’t know anyone who is like that, Ben just hates BYU.”, you are taking this way too seriously.
Finally, here are some universal signs that you are a Yewt/Zoob.
-If someone tells you an interchangeable joke about your team, and you tell the person that that is “lame” and then you go and tell the same joke, changed to be about the other team, to someone else and laugh your head off, you are a Yewt/Zoob. Examples of interchangeable jokes:
“How do you get a Utah/BYU grad off your porch? You pay them for the pizza and tell them to leave!”
“What do you call a Utah/BYU fan with half a brain? Gifted!”
-If you think that everyone in the other fanbase is classless/self-righteous/arrogant/ignorant/drunk, and people in your fanbase are “real fans”, then you are a Yewt/Zoob.
-If you refer to the other team as being “little brother”, then you need to punch yourself in the face, and you are a Yewt/Zoob.
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