By Clark Schmutz
There is nothing quite as fun as trying to predict the outcomes of sporting events. Well, I guess it is fun, when you don’t have money riding on the outcome and your favorite team is winning. This post will be for fun. If you decide to use its powers of prognostication, to win some money, then chances are you won’t find it very fun, or funny. But I’m going to strive for both. At least my mom will like it. Thanks mom. She’s not much of a gambler anyways.
Wild Cards
Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans
Most of the NFL fans I have chatted with about this game are picking the Bengals to upset the Texans at Reliant stadium. This is going to be a great game with some big plays on offense and defense, and probably it’s fair share of mistakes with two rookie quarterbacks starting. But given the fact that the Texans are at home, they are getting healthier with the returns of Arian Foster and Andre Johnson, mixed with Cedric Benson’s recent case of the dropsies in tight situations, I am giving the slight edge to the home team.
Prediction: Houston Texans 20, Cincinnati Bengals 16
Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints
Fireworks, passing yards, touchdowns, blown defensive assignments: it will all be here in New Orleans…except for maybe the fireworks. I don’t know the rules in a dome. There will at least be sparklers, I’d imagine. This is going to be the most entertaining game of the weekend…for 2 and a half quarters, until the Saints blow it open. But I’m predicting 7 total passing touchdowns and 4 picks between the teams. Unfortunately, Detroit’s Matthew Stafford will throw 3 of those picks.
Prediction: New Orleans Saints 47, Detroit Lions 31
Atlanta Falcons at New York Giants
I don’t get how people can get away with calling Eli Manning an elite quarterback. Maybe it’s his last name, or the super bowl he lucked into. Eli is Tim Tebow with a pedigree and better fundamentals. But it isn’t surprising to see Eli go 13-29 with 2 picks in the first 3 quarters, only to lead the team to a late minute touchdown and the win. So which Eli Manning will show up? Probably both. Eli and Falcon’s quarterback Matt Ryan are going to have a turnover contest for 45 minutes, and Eli will be less awful at the end of the game. The Giant’s defensive line is going to keep the Falcons in check and be the difference. And Victor Cruz will do his salsa dancing in the end zone and we will all be worse off for it.
Prediction: New York Giants 16, Atlanta Falcons 10
Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
In the holy war between Tim Tebow and Troy Polamalu, in the NFL stadium closest to heaven, there will be a lot of big hits, rushing yards, and Hail Marys (maybe even football ones). Tim Tebow has been part of some very magical moments, but he also hasn’t had Polamalu or James Harrison breathing down his neck. I predict one touchdown, 3 turnovers, 2 concussions, a James Harrison fine, and one dirty pair of underwear on Tim Tebow. Holy $h^&.
Prediction: Pittsburgh Steelers 13, Denver Broncos 6
Divisional Playoffs
New Orleans Saints at San Francisco 49ers
Just about every scenario for the NFC is exciting in the playoffs. With the 49ers potentially meeting the Saints, Lions, or Packers this playoffs, you are going to have some great defense vs offense matchups. I love what Jim Harbaugh has done in San Francisco this year, but Drew Brees is the right quarterback to be just enough to get his team by the fantastic defense of the niners. While I am hoping deep down for a 49ers- Packers conference championship, I think the Saints are going to spoil those dreams.
Prediction: New Orleans Saints 23, San Francisco 49ers 19
Pittsburgh Steelers at New England Patriots
This will be an epic matchup of two football titans. Roethlisberger vs. Brady. Gronkowski vs. Polamalu. Welker vs. Wallace. The Steel Industry vs. the Fishing Industry. In the end, I think the short rest and physical matchup with the Denver Broncos 6 days before will be too much of a hindrance for the Steelers to prepare for New England. The Steelers have the talent to win this game, but the whole weight of the playoffs, plus his own 385 pounds will be resting on the bum ankle of Ben Roethlisberger.
Prediction: New England Patriots 24, Pittsburgh Steelers 16
Houston Texans at Baltimore Ravens
It was fun while it lasted TJ Yates. Let’s be honest. You’re like Kevin Federline. You’re lucky you got this popular and for this long. And you both have the same chance of winning the super bowl this year.
Prediction: Baltimore Ravens 28, Houston Texans 13
New York Giants at Green Bay Packers
This is going to be my craziest pick of the playoffs. Be warned. The Giants just have this weird thing going for them. They are playing their best ball right now. They are used to the cold weather. They have the defensive line and the running game to give the Packers some problems. And Eli Manning’s double stuff oreo commercials probably trump the insurance commercial with Aaron Rodgers. I’m hesitant to pick the Giants in this one, but I have performed the discount double check and I feel good about it.
Prediction: New York Giants 24, Green Bay Packers 20
Conference Championships
Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots
Brady’s hair vs. Flacco’s eyebrows. That is what this game will be about. And also the Patriots trying to stop Ray Rice and the Ravens trying to stop the aerial attack of the Patriots. It’ll be cold. You’ll be able to see the players’ breaths and Brady is going to work his magic. The Patriots just have too many weapons this year, even though I think the Ravens are as good as they have ever been. This will end up being the best game of the two conference championships, by a long shot. And Chris Collinsworth will be like death to listen to break down the game. Can’t stand that guy.
Prediction: New England Patriots 28, Baltimore Ravens 27
New York Giants at New Orleans Saints
New York will be a tough matchup for the Saints, in the same way they will be a tough matchup for the Packers. But after partying for a week in mental celebration over beating the Packers, the Giants will have a huge letdown in this game. I mean huge. Eli will throw two picks and fumble the ball in the first half and break into tears on the sideline. Drew Brees will throw for 7 touchdowns and then give Eli a hug of comfort at midfield afterward. Eli will tell Drew that he’s been cutting onions.
Prediction: New Orleans Saints 49 New York Giants 25
Super Bowl
New Orleans vs New England Patriots
If you are a fan of tight ends, then this will be your game, featuring the two best in the business. Saints’ Jimmy Graham and Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski played hot potato with the all time Tight End receiving yards in a single season during week 16 and this game will have a similar back and forth as both teams trade touchdown passes and the lead. Ultimately this game will come down to who has the ball last and who turns the ball over the least. I stole that last line from a “how to predict a football game” website. Copy and paste, my friends.
Prediction: New England Patriots 38, New Orleans Saints 34
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